They say: Poly cheating

I am in a poly (triad). Currently my boyfriend and I are having much difficulty in the relationship. Financial problems have been really hard on us and I feel that I am losing my self respect. In the beginning we were just all in love things were going so great and then he cheated last year and is taken allot out of me to get past this *cries*. Unfortunately friends bring up things from time to time about this and it stirs up my emotions. Its all so crazy. Any suggestions on how to make communication between the relationship with my triad better? Also, how do you funnel the bad feelings from others? Its like they are out to get us because we are happy. I also want my husband more active in this. He hasn’t said much of anything to Tim. Brian is really passive and just goes with the flow, but this IS affecting me mentally.I would like you both to answer please.

From Him
First I would suggest that the 3 of you get into family therapy soon. Your post set some alarms off for me.
Adultery, alienation, money trouble and lose of self esteem are serious stress factors that can ruin any relationship. But I am confident if you work at it you can save your triad. I would suggest that the 3 of you take a weekend or even a long week to reconnect and remember why you love each other. Are these men really ok with a triad, should you guys move on?
As for others being down on you guys…I don’t have much to say other than to soldier on.
Do not allow the collective mass to bring you down, like you said chances are its just jealousy. How many women secretly wish they had two boyfriends, and you have the temerity to live open with two men? Lol that’s their issue not yours, the gods/god have seen fit to give you two men to support and love you, don’t throw it away over others issues.
As for the relationship between the men, don’t get too upset they aren’t the best of friends, they probably have issues based on societal norms. Let them grow into a friendship. Personally I was in a triad for a short period and although the outward appearance was one of casual friendship I had a deep love and almost romantic feelings for him. We shared love together with my wife that was a powerful bonding experience that never has left me; it’s almost like being lovers. If they develop even a quarter of that love they will become very close to each other.
Take a long hot soak and try and dismiss those feeling that stem from society and meditate on the real issues that impact your lovers and try and find within yourself the answers the gods/god are probably whispering in your subconscious.

FINIS, Him.

She says,
First and foremost let me remind you (er…really your husband) the “poly mantra” “Communicate, communicate and then communicate some more.” If he’s not willing to talk at least a little bit about how you’re feeling I am very concerned about the long term survival of your triad. I agree with him that family therapy would be good, however I caution that many therapists aren’t comfortable with such a family dynamic, and you may be better served to find a like minded individual who could/would be willing to mediate.
As far as the cheating goes, whether its in a mono relationship or a poly one it can destroy and eat the relationship away. Its crucial to remind yourself of why you fell in love in the first place. If you can’t remember it’s possible that the damage caused from the cheating may be too much for the relationship to handle. If you can recall and feel that its worth saving (which its my belief that almost all relationships are worth saving.) then find a way to move forward and use any “letting go” technique that you might know.
I think that now would be a good time to have a serious soul searching about what you need in order to make this work. Maybe for a little while you’ll need fidelity to make you feel like this won’t happen again. Maybe weekly family meetings, or whatever it might be so that you can heal and move forward. Your partners willingness to help you heal and feel comfortable will be very telling as to how badly they want this to work out.
Polyamory evokes much more personal growth and frequent “checking in.” Most often people weren’t ready for that or weren’t expecting it. Its just monogamy with more people right? No. Not at all. Its much more work and isn’t for the light hearted. I wish you all the best luck and I hope you can find healing and move forward with your men hand in hand.
When it comes to others feelings about your relationship(s) people can often feel threatened by your relationship, or have their own reasons for feeling that polyamory is "wrong." I strongly recommend the book "Pagan polyamory" because the author speaks alot about how closely those that are "out" in the poly community often feel like they are under a microscope and that people are waiting for poly people to fail so that can be used to "prove" that poly doesn't really work. Its very very hard but the only advice I have for that kind of scorn is that you can continue to be out, and open. You are human just as anyone else is. We are not deities, we fail sometimes, we mess up sometimes just like anyone else. We just need to harden our hearts a little and try not to let it hurt us.
Till next time, Her

He says: Just do it

She wants you to take out the trash or clean the gutters, but you think it is kind of early.
He wants you not talk to him during the game but you are excited to tell him something.
These little things can drive a person nutty, yet when we look at the big picture they really are nothing at all.
I would like to suggest to you fine people that the next time something like this comes up you take a moment to reflect and consider whether the thing requested is really bothersome or just a minor annoyance. If truly bothersome you need to take the time to talk it out with your mate. However I would venture that if the thing is just a minor annoyance that you comply with the request.
When you think of it these opportunities are just that, an opportunity to spiritually make love to, and revel in the companionship you receive for these things you do for each other.
When you comply with these little ‘honey does’ you are preserving and nurturing your relationship.
So men get those gutters clean and ladies please save the conversation until the commercial break.

Finis

Wordless Wed 10-24

Taken at our wedding March 10th 2006

She says: Lets cuddle!

I’d like to look at a common obvious “good thing” for relationships from maybe a few different angles. That good thing is cuddling. We all know that cuddling is good for us, and brings bonds and calm feelings of love and companionship. We often hear that cuddling is for women only, and that men don’t enjoy (or maybe “shouldn’t” enjoy) cuddling. In my search for more information on cuddling and why would want to encourage it specifically I found that men often seek cuddling more often than woman. (check out this article from cuddleparty.com)

One of the most important aspects (at least in my opinion) is that its good for your health! Yes you heard me correctly. Studies have shown that the release of oxytocin lowers levels of stress hormones which in turn lessens the risk of stress induced diseases. Oxytocin is released during child birth, orgasm and cuddling/kissing. Some feel that the oxytocin that is released during orgasm is not as bonding or long lasting as the feelings of bonding that kissing and cuddling often bring on. While there is no foundation in this train of thought, I would personally venture to agree based on what I know from my personal life. While I’m not suggesting that anyone STOP having orgasms, as they do feel wonderful and relieve stress I don’t feel more bonded to my husband in those times.

If you have children it is good for them to see physical relationship between their parents. (within personal moral bounds, of course.) It promotes feelings of security in your children to see love between their parents. While older children may voice dislike; inside it’s always good to know that your parents enjoy being together. Seeing parents express love and sharing calm times also teaches children how to behave. You are setting an example for your children for later on in their life. Would you rather you teach them? Or have TV couples do it? From my personal life, once I got into a serious relationship I found myself scratching my head. I realized that I never saw my parents hug, kiss or even exchange “I love you’s” While they always went to bed together, and rarely if ever fought in front of my sisters and I; I did find that once I was in an adult relationship myself I was very unsure of how to behave. As an adult I wondered what it was that was keeping my parents together.

For men, if you are having a difficult time getting your mate into bed with you; maybe try cuddling as a way to calm down from the day. There is nothing that will calm me down faster, and soothe the nerves from a rough day than just some hand holding, or having him run his fingers through my hair. While I would have said no to sex, I never say no to cuddling! Once I’m calmed, soothed and feeling all warm and fuzzy I’m much more apt to say yes to sex, or even initiate!

Women you can ease a “anti cuddle” man into such behavior by finding out why he’s not interested. Does he see it as a “unmanning” act? Does it get too warm and sweaty? Maybe its uncomfortable for him because he doesn’t know where to put his hands. You can start by rubbing his feet, or back. There are ways to be touchy feely without being completely intertwined and wrapped together in bed.

While watching a movie she can have her legs in his lap, or just hold hands. Walking from the car and into a building you can walk arm in arm. Of course there is always cuddling in bed on your way to dream land. Try to find ways to touch, with or without sex. Work it into life more? Will you?

For more information on learning to cuddle there are cuddle parties! This is a new trend where couples, or single people of any sexual orientation can go and find new non sexual ways to cuddle. The great thing about these parties is that it is a safe way to learn where your boundries are and practice saying "no." It is also a way to learn to accept hearing the words "no" and have that be an ok thing. I think this is a pricless lesson. For example, if someone wants to give you a back rub, they must first ask you if thats ok. If you feel that you'd rather that person doesn't do that, you can say no and thats that. Cuddleparty.com is the place I've found that has the most information, check them out if this sounds like something that intrests you.

Till next time, Her

WW "they make it work"

Question, sex and friends

“We didn’t make it as a couple but are very close friends and we decided to leave out the sex because we love each other too much to accidentally ruin the friendship. Do you think this is unnecessary?”

She says: I think its entirely possible for sexual preferences to ruin a great relationship. The most blaring example that I can think of would be someone who is sexually vanilla, and someone who is into BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, and Sadomasochism). While both styles can be loving, rewarding and fulfilling, not when mixed. I think in a situation like that attempting to engage in sex and taking the relationship to that level could very well ruin what you have as friends.

When your mind will not allow you to think of anything else but “what would it be like” I would recommend taking that risk and seeing where it would lead you. It’s always nice to allow yourself to grow. Difficult situations bring forth growth, and that can be very fulfilling in itself.

I think we will all get tired of hearing me say this but, a conversation before hand can go SO FAR! This is definitely an issue that is very personal and depends on the people involved specifically. How do you feel about sex? When should sex happen between people? Is it something that is only reserved for those that you love dearly and plan on committing to. If so this sort of situation could be very damaging if sex is the “deal breaker.” If you are comfortable with sex as something that can be shared in a more casual and safe way then maybe taking this risk is the right choice for you. More than anything I think he says it best.

He says: Far better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven’t done.

Till next time, He and she.

They say: People are different. Its ok

He says: On bisexuality and relationships

I do not feel that there is anything personally dysfunctional about bisexuality, the dysfunction is in society. If a couple where 1 or more members in the relationship are bisexual the couple has a few choices only 1 of which is ‘ok’ in the eyes of society the others are right for the individual.
First we must decide what comes first, the individual or society, does society suffer from the action, if so the individual must refrain, if not then society can get bent and the individual should do as he or she wants.
In the case of bisexuality the only victim is societies need to be prudish and manipulate the sexuality of the individual.
Say we have a couple that the wife is bisexual, not gay in a strait relationship, bisexual. Her husband is not a woman, he does not know (in most cases) how a woman touches, breaths, feels and makes love. The very thoughts a woman has in bed will affect the entire love session. Should she live in abstinence? I say no. Personally I feel that a loving husband would recognize the need in his wife and be open to the idea of his maiden being in a relationship with a woman. I have found personally that this is a good way to keep a bisexual mate, saying ‘no you can’t fulfill a vital part of your soul’ (sex) is abuse in a vile fashion. I am not saying that it would be ok for the wife to leave the man for a woman, she will eventually leave the woman for a man, but I do feel that it is possible for a loving triad of love to be maintained. Even if the sex does not include all members the relationships in this family can be wonderful and fulfilling. (Even if you and I find them silly and weird.)

Should the wife’s lover be sexually available to the man? ONLY IF THE OTHER WOMAN WANTS HIM ALSO. Sex and love is most often for most people a one on one event, and to mix in a 3rd unwanted person can ruin everything. However an evening with 3 or more lovers can be the most honest form of sharing and trust adults can ever find and to me it can transcend the divine.
It can be very difficult to navigate through life believing and seeking a straight lifestyle. Now add in that you feel differently than the average american…. Trust me it can be heart wrenching and difficult…mostly because society is full of self-appointed guardians of ‘rightness’. Let me assure you: You are not a bastion of righteousness because you can remember some passage from an ancient religious tract that was heresy when it was first published. I can not tell you how to live your life and I feel that you shouldn’t try and live mine. No one can say that any love-style choice is right or wrong for everyone. Maybe being a transgender woman to male gay is not for you, but I assure you, somewhere out there is a wonderful man that is ok with the fact that his gay lover is a post-op woman to man. I say WELL DONE to these people that live their love regardless of the down-right abuse heaped on them by society at large.
Personally I feel that prudishness stems from the fear that some day your child might see a loving triad or quad in public and you might have to explain alternative love styles to a child…GET OVER IT. (God forbid that your child finds such a love-style the right thing for her/him)
I would highly recommend that most couples avoid the pit-falls of triads and quads unless you are sure that you want it. Even just having an evening of fun with an extra person or couple can be a good way to ruin a relationship. I feel that only people that crave the love of a multi-partner relationship are suited to them. It can be challenging, frustrating and heart-breaking just like any relationship but compounded with more people, so be careful with each others feelings. Please don’t be too harsh or judgmental and remember to love inclusively.
Finis;
The only good relationship is where all involved parties are happy. So what if they are ‘dysfunctional’ in your opinion or mine? If they are happy and loving they are divine.


Till next time, Him

She says,

I feel that this issue needs a response from both of us. You may be wondering what sparked such a seemingly random choice of entries. This morning we received a comment. As we’ve never been ones to shy away from controversy, we posted the comment and of course we have something to say about it. Here’s the comment:

“How can you give advice about dysfunctional relationships, when you are obviously in one. When people marry it is a sacred union. One does not go looking for a girlfriend on the side. How can dysfunctional councel the dysfunctional...they can't.”

There may be more “love styles” than most folks are even aware exist. As he mentioned there are people who choose to live in loving triads (three consenting adults) quads (four loving, consenting adults) or really anything that one can imagine. Such people who live such lifestyles do not need me to judge them. I do not live in their house, I do not know their heart and don’t claim to. There are people who straight, bisexual and gay or lesbian and in the same way I do not know their heart and choose not to judge their love, just as I don’t want my heart and my love to be judged.

As I stated in my last entry I am bisexual. That term means many many things to many people. Personally I see sexuality (in simplest terms) as a scale from 1-10. Say that 1 is %100 straight, and 10 is %100 gay or lesbian, well everything in between is bi. Some are quite content to use the term bisexual to describe themselves because of who they are attracted to (but may not do anything about that attraction) and then there are people who love both women and men in such a way that they can’t live their entire life with just one sex or the other. Being a bisexual does not mean that they see marriage as anything less sacred. It does not mean that this person is a sex fiend, or someone who “just can’t decide” no. There are times where people will use the term “bi curious” and that does lend to some level of confusion in my opinion. People are trying to figure out who they are, what they want and what they need. Personally I would prefer these people left the “bi” and just called themselves “sexually curious” because to include the word “bi” in there makes those of us who know who we are look confused or undeciding.

More than anything my point here (and I believe his point as well) is that it is not appropriate to say that anyone who is living a different life than you is automatically “dysfunctional.” I know many individuals who are extremely committed to their mates and would do anything to keep the relationship they are in. These people are also bisexual. More than anything folks, the lesson of the day is don’t judge. I do believe that most of our religions (that people often hide behind and use to make their judgments) recommend, and speak to the wrongness of such judgments.

Till next time, Her