They say: Poly cheating

I am in a poly (triad). Currently my boyfriend and I are having much difficulty in the relationship. Financial problems have been really hard on us and I feel that I am losing my self respect. In the beginning we were just all in love things were going so great and then he cheated last year and is taken allot out of me to get past this *cries*. Unfortunately friends bring up things from time to time about this and it stirs up my emotions. Its all so crazy. Any suggestions on how to make communication between the relationship with my triad better? Also, how do you funnel the bad feelings from others? Its like they are out to get us because we are happy. I also want my husband more active in this. He hasn’t said much of anything to Tim. Brian is really passive and just goes with the flow, but this IS affecting me mentally.I would like you both to answer please.

From Him
First I would suggest that the 3 of you get into family therapy soon. Your post set some alarms off for me.
Adultery, alienation, money trouble and lose of self esteem are serious stress factors that can ruin any relationship. But I am confident if you work at it you can save your triad. I would suggest that the 3 of you take a weekend or even a long week to reconnect and remember why you love each other. Are these men really ok with a triad, should you guys move on?
As for others being down on you guys…I don’t have much to say other than to soldier on.
Do not allow the collective mass to bring you down, like you said chances are its just jealousy. How many women secretly wish they had two boyfriends, and you have the temerity to live open with two men? Lol that’s their issue not yours, the gods/god have seen fit to give you two men to support and love you, don’t throw it away over others issues.
As for the relationship between the men, don’t get too upset they aren’t the best of friends, they probably have issues based on societal norms. Let them grow into a friendship. Personally I was in a triad for a short period and although the outward appearance was one of casual friendship I had a deep love and almost romantic feelings for him. We shared love together with my wife that was a powerful bonding experience that never has left me; it’s almost like being lovers. If they develop even a quarter of that love they will become very close to each other.
Take a long hot soak and try and dismiss those feeling that stem from society and meditate on the real issues that impact your lovers and try and find within yourself the answers the gods/god are probably whispering in your subconscious.

FINIS, Him.

She says,
First and foremost let me remind you (er…really your husband) the “poly mantra” “Communicate, communicate and then communicate some more.” If he’s not willing to talk at least a little bit about how you’re feeling I am very concerned about the long term survival of your triad. I agree with him that family therapy would be good, however I caution that many therapists aren’t comfortable with such a family dynamic, and you may be better served to find a like minded individual who could/would be willing to mediate.
As far as the cheating goes, whether its in a mono relationship or a poly one it can destroy and eat the relationship away. Its crucial to remind yourself of why you fell in love in the first place. If you can’t remember it’s possible that the damage caused from the cheating may be too much for the relationship to handle. If you can recall and feel that its worth saving (which its my belief that almost all relationships are worth saving.) then find a way to move forward and use any “letting go” technique that you might know.
I think that now would be a good time to have a serious soul searching about what you need in order to make this work. Maybe for a little while you’ll need fidelity to make you feel like this won’t happen again. Maybe weekly family meetings, or whatever it might be so that you can heal and move forward. Your partners willingness to help you heal and feel comfortable will be very telling as to how badly they want this to work out.
Polyamory evokes much more personal growth and frequent “checking in.” Most often people weren’t ready for that or weren’t expecting it. Its just monogamy with more people right? No. Not at all. Its much more work and isn’t for the light hearted. I wish you all the best luck and I hope you can find healing and move forward with your men hand in hand.
When it comes to others feelings about your relationship(s) people can often feel threatened by your relationship, or have their own reasons for feeling that polyamory is "wrong." I strongly recommend the book "Pagan polyamory" because the author speaks alot about how closely those that are "out" in the poly community often feel like they are under a microscope and that people are waiting for poly people to fail so that can be used to "prove" that poly doesn't really work. Its very very hard but the only advice I have for that kind of scorn is that you can continue to be out, and open. You are human just as anyone else is. We are not deities, we fail sometimes, we mess up sometimes just like anyone else. We just need to harden our hearts a little and try not to let it hurt us.
Till next time, Her